Adventures in Childcare

Contributed by:
Eric Dunaway
small groups pastor

About 10 years ago, Amanda and I were part of a small group of young adults that met every Tuesday night in our home. We were newly married, in our early twenties, had just purchased our first home, lived close to the campus where we graduated from college, and were excited about hosting and leading this group. For a little over two years, this group was thriving. We did annual camp-outs and trips to Cedar Point. We had deep Bible studies that challenged us to grow. We were growing and seeing as many as 25 college students and twenty somethings coming each week. We loved it!

And then something happened. We started having kids. A couple who were a little older than us started coming with their infant son. Soon after, Amanda and I had our first, Breanna. Shortly after that, another couple had their first. Suddenly we faced a whole new dilemma in this once care-free and spontaneous group: childcare. How were we going to handle this? We tried just letting the kids join us and play on the floor... bad idea. Didn't work. We tried having parents rotate and watch the kids upstairs while the rest of met downstairs... didn't work. We tried several other things, none of which worked well.

I wish I could tell you that we eventually figured it out, everyone was happy, and the group continued to thrive. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. We struggled through this issue while we continued to have more children. Eventually, after about four years of being together, the group ended. Now, I don't want you to think that it was our children who brought on the demise of this group... but that particular issue certainly changed the dynamics of how we did life together. And without a clear strategy on how to handle it, the impact was detrimental.

I'm finding that the dilemma with childcare is a very common one. In fact, in our Keynote meetings when facilitators huddle together and begin to share challenges and struggles in their groups, this always comes up. And we've experienced the same challenges in every group we've been a part of, from the first one to our current one. And we all know that this is a very delicate issue, and should be handled with extreme sensitivity. At the same time, however, we need to consider what's best for the group. So the challenge is to be sensitive, but still assertive with what is believed to be the best course of action for the group. If you're a married group, this will be an issue in your group - and any group you're a part of - so it's important to establish a precedent early in the life of your group.

First, I want to set the record straight regarding children in Journey Groups. If you're on the fence as to whether or not your child could, or should, be a part of your meetings, you need to consider a few things. When children are present in small group meetings:

1. They become barriers to general conversation and discussions. Infants and toddlers are demanding, and require constant attention. Even older children have difficulty recognizing boundaries, and often interrupt their parents who are engaged in conversation. They don't understand the seriousness or sensitivity of some group discussions.

2. They are exposed to adult topics of discussion that may not be appropriate for them. As group members become more familiar and more deeply connected to one another, the intimacy increases. This creates an opportunity for members to share more openly and honestly about their faith, marriages, temptations, struggles, etc. This is good. It opens the door for accountability, and that's a big part of what group life should look like. However, when children are present at these meetings it puts them in a position to hear things from their parents, or other adults, that are simply not appropriate for them.

3. They are expected to sit contently and quietly in an environment that was not intended for them. Children need an environment that's designed for them. We know that children require more interaction, have shorter attention spans, and aren't on the same wave-length as their parents. Their frame of understanding simply cannot comprehend what adults need to discuss in their groups. Married Journey Groups are not an environment intended for children. When children are present, it not only hinders the group, but it places unfair expectations on the children.

4. They are a distraction to the group - bottom line. It doesn't matter if they're being noisy or especially active. Most children (which I'm sure includes yours) are just cute and fun to watch, and are therefore a distraction. The bottom line is that when children are present in a group meeting, they will ultimately dictate the course of a meeting. They will determine how deep the discussion goes, how intimately the members are connected, the extent to which Biblical truth can be applied, and the depth to which members can grow together.

I don't want to sound like I don't like Children - I have four of my own! But these are simply things I've observed as I've led small groups over the past 10 years.

Here are some childcare options that some groups have considered:

1. Onsite childcare. This is what our group does, and it works very well. Our group has 13 children, soon to be 17, ranging from infant to 8 years old! Our host family has a basement, and we hire 2 teenage girls to come and watch all 13 children downstairs while our group meets. And we're not just trying to get them out of the way so that we adults can have our discussion time. We've actually tried to create a structured environment for them downstairs that includes video time, play time, snack time, and so on. Our group decided early on that this was how we were going to approach this. We also agreed together that we would pay the sitters $4/child for the evening. That means Amanda and I pay $12 for two hours of childcare for our three children (the fourth is still in the oven), which is very reasonable. Obviously, this approach means that you need a host couple with space to do this. It doesn't have to be a basement, however. It could also be a bedroom, playroom or family room that is separated from where the adults will be meeting. And the sitters need to be very careful about not letting the children leave their area.

2. Offsite childcare. We've been in previous groups where we did this, and it also worked pretty well. Maybe your host couple doesn't have the space to provide onsite childcare, but another couple in the group would be willing to make their home the childcare location. You could hire a sitter or two (or three depending on how many kids you have) to be at the offsite childcare location, and group members would just drop off their children on their way to group meeting. The downside, obviously, is that it requires more time to and from your meetings. And obviously, it helps to have a group who's members all live in the same general area.

3. Everyone on their own. We used this approach in our first Journey Group at Pathway because we were the only couple with children at the time (now they all have children... some of them now have 2!). We just knew that every other Tuesday we'd bring a sitter home to watch our children while we went to group. The downside with this approach is that several times we had to miss group because we couldn't find a sitter.

Here's something else that I think has been helpful for other groups who've gone through this. Your group may have already filled out a group covenant. However, it may be time to do a new one. The covenant actually addresses the issue of childcare specifically, and allows you to decide together as a group how you're going to approach it. Again, you may have 15 kids, or only one couple with children, but if you're a married group it will only increase the longer your group stays together. The covenant can provide a neutral discussion starter on the topic, as well. That way, hopefully, no one feels singled out.

As we know, this is a delicate situation, and we may need to accept the idea going into this that some couples may leave their group over this issue. We don't want to see that happen. At the same time, we don't want to see group life hindered because of an issue with childcare.

What's your group doing to tackle this issue? Where have you failed, and where have you found success? Share your stories with us so we can learn with you. Post a comment to let us know what you're doing with childcare in your group.